I’ve messed up and missed the mark many times
I am a sinner, shameful, guilty and unworthy
But my greatest mistake would be that I could think, even for just for a second, that You do not see me, that the King of the Universe, Maker of all things living and breathing would somehow forget. Life has a way of throwing curve balls, and our fast paced, never-ending rat race from one achievement onto the next does not satisfy, even the greatest victory falls very short to the glory of the Glorious One.
But I recently found myself in a very low place. In the middle of my failure, my heart screamed out for some kind of assurance that it has to be worth it, surely we can not simply be breathing our lives away?.
But He let me linger, in my confusion, with all my questions. ‘Withholding’ in a time of deep desperation, surely this is reckless?! ‘Shouldn’t a good Father intervene, step in and save the day?’, but He let me feel all of it. I had questions, doubts, and disappointments. “DO YOU EVEN SEE ME!?”, but I heard nothing in return. Complete silence and numbness. I reached out for whatever would make me feel something, but filling a Heavenly void with a worldly solution only left me more empty.
But in Your perfect timing, the very next morning You spoke ever so clearly.
‘Would I be exposed?’ I felt clothed in shame, like a fraud. But You never waved my shortcomings in front of my face or in front of others, though You had every right and power to do so. You did not even touch on the subject of sin, but You came and reached out for me. You came with great intensity and with costly love, raging with forgiveness, screaming into the depths of my soul
“I SEE YOU!”
“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matt9:12-13
His love has a way of leading us back to Him
Not to bring meaningless offerings, or so that we could work our way back to try to earn His affection, but instead only to receive it, because He wants us close.
I do not know why He sometimes chooses silence instead of swooping in with great truth and victory. Maybe He knew I needed the time to really feel every emotion so that I could recognize and appreciate grace more. Maybe He wanted to teach me how to extend mercy to those around me, because I too have felt the weight of sin. I might not ever know the answer, but one thing I do know is that His every decision and action is because of His love towards me.
I am shook and humbled by Love, and graciously reminded again and again that You would never leave my side
“Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.” 1Tim1:15